TOP 10 (or so) LISTS

Top Ten Alternate Gifts to Give a Goalie This Holiday Season
Top Ten Advantages Of Being A Hockey Goaltender
Top Ten Disadvantages Of Being A Hockey Goaltender
Top Ten Reasons Why You Just Let That One In
Top Ten Pet Peeves Of Hockey Goaltenders
You Might Be a Puckbunny If....
Top Ten Signs You Have A Bad Goalie
Top Ten Cool Uses For Zamboni's:
20 Fun Things to Do If You're an Ice Hockey Goalie
31 Signs That You Might Be a Hockey Addict

Top Ten Alternate Gifts to Give a Goalie This Holiday Season

  1. SPF 30 sunscreen, for that annoying back of the neck burn.
  2. For the significant other on your list, here's one that won't cost you a penny: After the game, you can "tend to his/her equipment", if you know what I mean.
  3. Chia Pet (hey, everyone loves chia pets).
  4. Ice packs, Ice packs, and more ice packs.
  5. Patrick Roy's newest instructional video: "How to alienate a whole city in three easy steps" (endorsed by Mike Keenan)
  6. Dominic Hasek's newest instructional video: "Ugly goaltending made easy."
  7. Blaine Lacher's newest instructional video: "Riding the Pine with Style"
  8. A contract with a real NHL team, instead of an IHL or a contract in hockey hell (Curtis Joesph only)
  9. Clothing that brings out the color of bruises.
  10. Gift certificate for mental health services.

Top Ten Advantages Of Being A Hockey Goaltender

  1. Halloween costume? No problem!
  2. Detroit Red Wing goalies look like Santa; can earn extra money during the holidays.
  3. Can check out the babes (or guys) rinkside without them even knowing.
  4. Slash all you want; they send someone else to the box.
  5. Padding gives the impression you're really buffed.
  6. Helmet allows you to double as Darth Vader in any upcoming "Star Wars".
  7. Can get inventive nickname like "Eddie".
  8. Flexibility can be useful in other entertainment ventures, if you know what I mean.
  9. Bruises can really bring out the color in your eyes.
  10. Two Words: Bigger Stick.

Top Ten Disadvantages Of Being A Hockey Goaltender

  1. Smart-Asses that toss beach balls at the net.
  2. Letting those beach balls in.
  3. Jealous back-up's that hide your cup, causing "puck castration"
  4. Always annoying death threats from opposition upon stopping a 2-1.
  5. Always annoying death threats from teammates upon letting in a 2-1.
  6. Always annoying death threats from fans upon steping onto the ice.
  7. Paterity suits from the mother of the uniroyal man
  8. Being a stop-rated NHL goalie, being traded to a cold Canadian city, not getting the money you deserve, and having to play in Las Vegas. Curtis Joseph only)
  9. The opposite sex just doesn't understand why you have to wear a mask to bed.
  10. When you flip the ref the bird behind the blocker, they can't even tell.

Top Ten Reasons Why You Just Let That One In

  1. Me and my defense got involved in the "Tastes great, less filling" debate.
  2. Tried to read the "Vulcanised" label on the side.
  3. Slipped on this damn ice; someone should get some salt on that!
  4. Was still laughing at that last top ten list.
  5. Misunderstood "Butterfly save"; now sad to report one less monarch flying around.
  6. Sun got in my eyes.
  7. Misunderstood use of trapper; let in a goal, but got a lovely fur coat.
  8. Being a stop-rated NHL goalie, being traded to a cold Canadian city, not getting the money you deserve, and having to play in Las Vegas Curtis Joseph only)
  9. Wait, I'm the back-up!! Go talk to El-Sieve-o over there!!!.
  10. Yeah, like YOU would get in front of that!.

Top Ten Pet Peeves Of Hockey Goaltenders

  1. Drunk fans who toss Hostess Ding Dongs towards the net.
  2. Players at parties who want to turn mask upside-down and fill it up with bean dip.
  3. Pads give appearance that they have really big butts.
  4. T-shirts that say, "Goaltenders do it with their glove hand".
  5. Every day, for the rest of their life, they will not have a good reason for dropping anything ever again.
  6. Frostbite caused by leg split.
  7. When trainer replaces normal water in bottle with sparkling Folger's Crystals.
  8. Goal judges at away games who constantly make wisecracks about "burning out the goal lamp".
  9. 2. Fans who ask, "Can I have your autograph, Mr. Roy???" (Said like it's spelled)
  10. When jealous back-up goalie follows them around in locker room screaming, "Hey, glove THIS, pal!!!".

You Might Be a Puckbunny If....

  1. You don't wear a jersey because it just doesn't go with a mini skirt and heels.
  2. You've been watching "hockey" for several years, still don't know what offsides and icing are, and don't care to learn.
  3. You feel the true sport of hockey comes after the game when the wives and girlfriends aren't watching.
  4. You liked it when Mobile used to come to town a few years back just because you enjoyed saying Steve Suk's name.
  5. You make sure to get to all games early enough in order to watch the pre-game warm-up just because you want to see if the other team's players are cuter than yours and are prepared to change your loyalties if they are.
  6. You follow the team thousands of miles from city to city just to go out with them after the game, which you find boring and cuts down on your sharing of "quality time" with your favorite player(s).
  7. You are the first one in line to register for Hooks and (Hooks and Heels is a little introductory hockey clinic just for women put on by the Mississippi Sea Wolves. Rules are discussed, etc. Hook is the name of their mascot. A Sea Wolf is a pirate, so they've got the whole deal with the hook for a hand, etc.)
  8. When you're at Hooks and Heels, you can't wait for the Q & A session so you can proposition one of the players...oh, heck, how about the whole team.
  9. You have little puckbunnies-in-training follow you around because you're doing all you can to keep your species going.
  10. You ever brought Efferdent to a game in hopes of scoring some points with any of the players wearing partials.(Compliments of Jack)

Top Ten Signs You Have A Bad Goalie

  1. Keeps telling the Goal Judge to "Get Ready!"
  2. Mask painted like Malibu Barbie.
  3. On the net with his squeeze bottle is a box of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
  4. Wearing Magooesque glasses over his mask.
  5. You find him in a fetal position in the corner of the net.
  6. Ice level microphone keeps picking up sounds of him praying.
  7. He's wearing a virtual reality mask.
  8. Keeps using his big stick to tenderize meat.
  9. Technique in stopping breakaways: Fake Seizures.
  10. Tries not to get hit by the puck.

Top Ten Cool Uses For Zamboni's:

  1. Tie rookies up and drag them around the rink.
  2. Chasing squirrels around the arena parking lot after practice!
  3. Get a couple of them and DRAG!...
  4. Doin' donuts at the face-off circles...
  5. "Just wait until the next time Coach makes me mad!"...
  6. "Aw Coach, I was just doing my Jeff Gordon impression!'.
  7. Scaring the heck out of ice-level broadcasters and analysts!
  8. "I just need it to smooth off my lake at home!"...
  9. Provides a moving target for slap-shot practice.

20 Fun Things to Do If You're an Ice Hockey Goalie

  1. One word: Salt.
  2. Before the game, secretly switch the green and red light bulbs around.
  3. Slash, hook, and spear evey opposing player who comes within 3 feet of your crease, then point and laugh at your teammates when they have to go to the box for you.
  4. After you cover the puck and the ref blows the whistle, quickly put the puck in your shorts before the ref can pick it up, then tell him to "come get it."
  5. Moon the goal cam.
  6. Get into a shouting match with your stick, then tell the ref you refuse to play until the stick apologizes.
  7. If you're on the bench, start giving away all the sticks on the rack to the fans sitting behind you.
  8. Every time an announcement is made over the PA system, drop to your knees and start screaming, "Not the voices again!"
  9. Every time the opposing team scores, remove one piece of of your equipment.
  10. Fill your teammates' water bottles with vodka and watch the fun.
  11. As soon as the trainers finish putting your equipment on you, say out loud, "Hey, you know what astronauts can do right in their suits?" Then watch the fun as they scramble to pull the equipment off again.
  12. During a faceoff, stand next to your defensemen as if you're a skater too.
  13. When someone scores a hat trick, grabs as many hats off the ice as you can and stuff them in your jersey.
  14. Using hockey tape, put a large bullseye in the middle of your chest.
  15. Using hockey tape, put "(Insert name of opponent's enforcer here) Sucks" on the back of your teammates' jerseys.
  16. Rub Ben Gay on the inside of your teammates' cups.
  17. Pour Crazy Glue inside your teammates' cups.
  18. When the trainer isn't looking, throw a red sock in the washer with the white home jerseys(but make sure you take yours out!.
  19. Before the game starts, go up to the opposing team, start crying and say, "Please don't score on me! My coach beats me if I let a puck in!" Then,when the ref comes to take you back to your crease, start screaming, "No! I don't wanna go! I don't wanna go!"
  20. Position yourself in front of the goal cam and proceed to scratch your rear end.

31 Signs That You Might Be a Hockey Addict

  1. Your idea of serving breakfast is giving each of your kids a fork and dropping an Eggo in the middle of the table.
  2. You punish your kids with "minors," "majors," and "misconducts."
  3. When you come to a traffic signal and the light turns green, you stop.
  4. When you come to a traffic signal and the light turns red, you get really excited and start cheering.
  5. You consider the Forum in Montreal a place of worship.
  6. You keep a picture of the Stanley Cup in your wallet in front of the picture of your family.
  7. Instead of duct tape, you use hockey tape to fix everything.
  8. You know the difference between "The Garden," "The Gahden," and "The Gardens."
  9. You call a trip to the Hockey Hall of Fame a "pilgrimage."
  10. You think the Canadian National Anthem is the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada."
  11. You send Gordie Howe a birthday card, yet you can't even remember your own family members' birthdays.
  12. All your kids are either named Gordie, Bobby or Wayne.
  13. You went to see "West Side Story" because you thought it was about a game between Winnipeg and San Jose.
  14. You went into a bank because it advertised "Free Checking"....and walked out disappointed.
  15. When someone refers to "The Classics," you think they're talking about the Original Six.
  16. Your cure for everything is a couple extra-strength aspirin and a shot of Novocain.
  17. You can pronounce anything in French, yet you have no idea what it means.
  18. Every time you hear a siren you wonder who scored.
  19. You can say "Khabibulin," "Tkachuk," "Jagr," "Leschyshyn" and "Tverdovsky" without getting tongue-tied.
  20. Every time you see the name "Roy" you automatically pronounce it "Wah."
  21. You're not allowed to play chess simply because the first time you played, you misunderstood the meaning of the word "Check."
  22. You think the Four Food Groups are Nachos, Beer, Pretzels and Rubber.
  23. Everything in your wardrobe is your team's colors.
  24. You still remember which teams were in the Patrick, Smythe, Norris and Adams divisions and which divisions were in the Campbell and Prince of Wales conferences.
  25. You know the difference between "The Edmonton Express" and "The Human Express."
  26. You refer to your team's enforcers as "chippy players" and you refer to other teams' enforcers as "freaking little pieces of monkey crap."
  27. When you're at a game, you're not bothered when your kid cusses but when he says "shutout" before the game is over, you threaten to wash his mouth out with soap.
  28. You wonder what Miroslav Satan did to become the Prince of Darkness and Ruler of Hell.
  29. You think the proper way to spell the plural of "leaf" is "leafs."
  30. You can name all the Sutter brothers in order
  31. Your closet is divided into 2 sections, HOME and AWAY

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